So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I want a musical about memes.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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