Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
