Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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