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So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
