Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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