just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
