I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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