i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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