I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
