I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
