her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
