i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
