I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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