not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We just shotgunned beers for America
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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