So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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