4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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