Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
