i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
