the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
