that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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