I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
