i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
