I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
