Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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