I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
