Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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