I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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