I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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