I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
