the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
