Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Randomize
