wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
