I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
