I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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