You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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