Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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