He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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