So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
