i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
