I am puke
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
