just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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