i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
