Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
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