I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
