Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Oh god it's open bar.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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