Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
