when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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