Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
