My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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