They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
