I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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